How to change the world with embroidery...?

Before I reveal the answer I shall update you on my beautiful day...

Starting with a 'CT' (know what it is yet?) meeting in the canteen at 9.30am to devise a plan for an early little reconnaissance outing. I think I was kind of still a little asleep. We didn't make a plan except 'to just set off', but it was suggested that we could go somewhere, return, then individually draw a map from memory where we had been, and layer the results on top of an actual map and each other's. I think that would be kind of interesting although I'm guessing scale may be a bit of an issue. It would be a fun 'aside'. 
I feel I should be doing more of the 'suggesting' within the group instead of taking more of an admin role (i.e. writing the minutes for our Facebook page!) Mmm, I was reminded today that this module has the same number of credits as our Practice 1 (main design) module, damn. However, I do know that this option was the right choice even when I see what the 'Object in Context' people are doing.
Anyway, we were looking for examples of contested territories which we can then map. I think we discovered about 2. But the Urbexing was fabulous anyway...

The rest of the day, everyone except part time year 1 (which includes me :-)) did their Pecha Kucha presentations about their (practical) work so far, with varying degrees of charisma. Nick's was brilliant but he is from Liverpool. I found that most had no physical work either by the look of it. They could always be hiding it though. Unfortunately, they all had really good, amazing ideas that would change the world, or at the very least improve it for some marginalised, disadvantaged, disabled, or 'needy' part of society by inventing/designing an incredible product or such like. So much so that they would be deserving of a Noble prize or a knighthood. (This may be a slight exaggeration- 2 weren't that good). So... in terms of my confidence levels being fairly healthy this last week it has done a lot of damage in that I have now decided I must sort out my stuff RIGHT NOW and fix it (well on Saturday).
Honestly, I know what my problem is, I want to continue with the project I started in the summer, i.e. develop it and see how exciting it can get. To be fair I don't even have that much - just some drawings, photographs and paintings and half an embellishment sample. But, what I need to do is throw all that out and start afresh with nothing - however, I really don't want to. 

So the answer to the title question is.. 
'You actually can't, so just make it more fabulous'.

Finally, I have devised this confidence graph which I will plot for the duration of my MA;

Nothing Doing...

The realisation just hit me. Seven weeks and I've done nothing 'creative' (it feels). Not even mixed a colour. What I have done though is (beat myself up and) some thinking- i.e. tried to conceptualise by osmosis. 
Actually I take that back. I now realise I have not 'done nothing', I have been unconsciously imbibed with new vocabulary, been sucked/enticed into the new way of speaking and thinking (a little), I still can't do it (at all well) but more positively and in response to this realisation, I have come up with these questions I need to ask myself... 

• Can my work translate to large scale installations? 
• Do I want it to? 
• What other applications may my work have?
• Why do I want to do what I want to do with it?
• Does my work need a use (other than to look gorgeous !!!)?

And in relation to my theoretical research on my initial inspiration:

'the finding/uncovering of objects left behind in a derelict, desolate landscape, that which gives a sense of ‘place’ and an emotive response to the viewer' (new!)

• Why are these objects left? Accident or design?
• What do these objects mean? What did they mean to someone once? What do they mean to the other?
• Why do some people (me) search them out? How does it make them (me) feel?
• Why do I want to go to Chernobyl?

So...I have changed the emphasis of the direction of my research (slightly), not sure whether things are becoming clearer; if I am changing things to make more sense or if I am just further muddying the waters? Time will tell, I look forward to seeing if I feel I can keep it next week! But I definitely should stop loitering and take some action.

               

Third Day Nerves

Week/Day 3:

A moment in time memory jog:' Person on the Stockport viaduct' alert last night = difficult  journey…

A 10am start of my Options Unit, I have chosen 'Contested Territories' over my second choice 'Objects in Context' which is all about collecting, classifying, detail, emotional attachment, things etc…right up my street, I know this, I love this, I do this but I am also interested in the issues raised within Contested Territories and this I do not know, I already have an interest in Dark Tourism and this was mentioned along with other related subjects I had not considered, but some of which I have a tiny insight into through refugee and asylum seeker's stories I heard whilst doing volunteer work. It tugged at me and I thought I would be brave and venture out of my comfort zone and I know the research will be helpful within my practice - somehow.

Since I was about 13 years old I have had an interest in the holocaust, maybe because it is just so unbelievable - unfathomable and heartwrenching and human and for some reason I have always had an urge/pull/need/want to visit Auschwitz. Since Urbexing too, I would love to visit Chernobyl. This unit made me think about why this is; we had to introduce ourselves to the group and whilst waiting my turn I tried to think of what I was going to say. I didn't say, ' I've always wanted to visit Auschwitz'… because someone may have asked, 'Well why haven't you?' I thought I'd better consider that question. I conclude, I have been too afraid of breaking down and crying in public when I feared I might. I don't like to show emotion, I was horrified when I went on a Catholic retreat once and spent the whole weekend in floods of tears or trying desperately to hold them back.

http://www.politics.ie/forum/history/221271-liberation-auschwitz-holocaust-memorial-day-images.html

I think I may have to visit Chernobyl first, I imagine it will make me angry, which is more acceptable to me than pure grief. I intend to research into what makes people have this pull towards visiting places where bad things happened, it seems strange in many ways, I understand it's a (an emotional) connection with the past, an effort not to let the horrors, atrocities be ever forgotten/brushed aside…but is that the same as going on an American bus trip to visit scenes of domestic brutal murders? I don't think so.

All the above may have come out better than my actual words which were an insight for everyone else into how I don't know how to apply conceptual thinking to my work and what a person scrabbling about for words that sound quite good looks like. I NEED TO STOP TRYING TO RELATE MY WORK TO REAL WORLD BIG ISSUES and making it fit conceptually, don't I? But I think that's not allowed. What's wrong with picking the option because it sounded interesting????

Today we touched on borders, real and imagined… it was too short.

Insight of the week:

•   Everyone seems to be incredibly academic. I'm not, just average.

•   If you were to use all the equipment you wanted to, make things with everything, get to be good at it all, you would need to be in those great workshops for 10 years solid. I'm going to need all my powers of selectivity.

•   No-one seems to know where we're supposed to be.

Why am I writing this blog?

The importance of constant, analytical evaluation on one's work, progress and practice is not lost on me. I am aware that I need to write an in depth evaluation in all my modules/units so if I write this account, sometimes brief though it will be, I am sure to find it easier at the end. Fingers crossed. (And I'll try not to write much about TK Maxx.)