Progress and ‘Thinking by Writing Things Down’…

The fundamentals and essentiality of my research is based on an inspirational (and to be repeated) trip to Chernobyl: initially being to look at self-settlers and their reasons for returning to a homeland that could potentially kill them. However, after in depth research, I soon realised there are a multitude of issues connected to the 1986 disaster that are still very much relevant worldwide today i.e. real-time safety issues regarding the highly radioactive waste still stored at Chernobyl, recognition of the disaster as catalyst for world change (i.e. Glasnost), collective memory – a cognitive resonance, relating to the sudden evacuation of Pripyat and displacement trauma, as well as the effect of human error on mass population (responsibility) and not least the heroic, almost suicidal bravery of individuals who really did save the world. After initial research, subjects broadened (to include the Holocaust, Dark Tourism etc) and became too much. Therefore I have concluded what it is I am most interested in – ʻChernobylʼ and the ʻpoignancy of a fleeting moment in timeʼ and through this message –visually and emotionally communicated through my work, I will selectively choose particular resonating ʻsnapshots in timeʼ attempting to raise awareness of the wider and far- reaching issues through a textiles exhibition piece or installation, the title of which should definitely be…

'What Once Was There'

or rather

‘What Was There Once’

The next step is more research, but not exclusively as I need to produce physical work – which will form the basis of my future ‘mastery’. This ‘mastery’ can also be of my subject, my concept. In the first instance I therefore need to extend my memory life, like a rechargeable battery. Duracell, preferably. 

Digitally printed silk length with discharge screen print

Now though I have arrived more at questions than answers…

Q: How to capture ‘a moment in time’?

A: Photography being the most obvious, and I have plenty of photos…so kind of disregarding (for the moment) all the artwork, drawing etc. that I have done, which will never be useless as by doing that I have refined and defined my colour story, compositionally testing out figurative, textured and abstract responses which will no doubt, have subconsciously informed my future outcomes (OR I could actually use some of those images, marks and shapes for a layer of print). An aside: I feel I am still putting too much into/onto a design –you decide?

Q: How to choose the most evocative moment in time?

Q: What if I combine a number of photographic images to create a moment in time?

Q: Do I manipulate the images?

A: So far in some cases I have merged and layered them and decreased the opacity but little else. I do like them and mostly they do, I feel, create a mood, an impression.

Q: Should they tell a story? Can you expect every photographic image to tell a whole story, is that feasible?

A: The one piece that does say what I want to say is this one;

Cyanotype print - Pripyat Interior

Mmm what to do with it now.

Auschwitz/Birkenau...September 2015

I've spent a while processing my trip to Auschwitz and the thoughts of that trip.

Poland is fabulous - and I will definitely go back.

Research-wise, of course I HAD to visit Auschwitz/Birkenau. Everybody should go, they just should. It's a worthwhile thing. Disquieting, if a little 'cold'.

It was not at all what I expected although I couldn't say what I actually did expect. For a start it’s huge, a massive area. It was impossible to get a real sense of how it was, of course. I do feel being with a guide and in a group shaped the experience, the guide was necessary in the first instance – he was knowledgeable and we were given factual information in addition to what could be gleaned from the information points, but I would have liked to have some time wandering around alone, thinking. That was the downside of being in/with a group. There wasn't really time for thinking during the tour, it was on to the next part, then the next part, in the queue, ushered through and so on.

The group I was with was a group of old soldiers (REME Association – Teesside Branch) which gave a different, yet positive slant; they laid a wreath at the wall where the shootings had occurred, which was a touching and respectful moment.

Laying the wreath at 'the wall'

I had imagined I would be in pieces the whole time yet I wasn't, I tried to feel empathy but in the main that was actually difficult. I tried to concentrate, to connect and 'feel', but it was unbelievably difficult and almost incomprehensible. There were moments however, when it was completely overwhelming and very emotional, though the whole thing is beyond understanding. 

 

I became very interested in the other tourists, many, many of them. The number was somewhat unexpected, yet necessary and somewhat heartening. It brought me back to the 'Dark Tourism' aspect of my research – where it all began; the behaviour, expressions and actions of the tourists, from all over the world, were very sobering. 

 

 

There was also a gift shop, but you didn’t have to exit through it. 

Whilst in Krakow, I visited Oskar Schindler's Factory which is now a museum about life in wartime Krakow, including information and exhibits about the Jewish community and the ghettos; real, gritty, evocative photographs. I would have liked it to have had more about Oskar Schindler, his factory, the events, individual stories etc. but there was very little. 

Schlinder's List

 One afternoon, I took myself off and went back to the ghetto alone. I thought I would explore the back streets and try to imagine/see what it was like back then, physically if not emotionally. Many of the buildings are not original so it was difficult although there were some, again it was hard to imagine at all what life must have been like for the people behind the walls. I stood for a long time at the section of wall remaining that was built around the ghetto to contain thousands upon thousands of people.

After my visit, I now feel I do not want to do 'work' on the subject, at all. At least I know that now. However, I am sure the experience will somehow reshape my thoughts, my inner person and my outlook.

In the library...

It was assessment day, not for me but I thought I would get a sneaky preview of the full time students work before it's my turn in May, no such luck - we were barred from the studio early doors so I accordingly attended my Contested Territories lecture on Contested Memory... and it was really good/thought provoking. It was all about interesting stuff including Holocaust Memory and the power/politics of what is chosen to be remembered and what is chosen to be forgotten, the eradication of collective memory and how artists/photographers etc. portray and/or 'aid' collective memory. 

Then my plan was to use the time of banishment to work on my CAD files for the Brother embroidery machine and come up with something amazingly beautiful, after a quick trip to the library.  So after a short and useful meeting over lunch (well a banana), I duly went to the library. I spent 3.5 HOURS writing a conclusion for my CT research... 1.500 words; I think the whole project should have been done in that many. Then I spent 35 extra minutes looking for books to support the mornings lecture, numbered and in a 'system', should have been easier - out of a list of 9 (available) I found 4 that were there, but minus one as it was too heavy.

So no amazing embroidery design but a DVD for the weekend:- 'Eichmann', the trial of a Nazi war criminal. Can't wait.

Nothing Doing...

The realisation just hit me. Seven weeks and I've done nothing 'creative' (it feels). Not even mixed a colour. What I have done though is (beat myself up and) some thinking- i.e. tried to conceptualise by osmosis. 
Actually I take that back. I now realise I have not 'done nothing', I have been unconsciously imbibed with new vocabulary, been sucked/enticed into the new way of speaking and thinking (a little), I still can't do it (at all well) but more positively and in response to this realisation, I have come up with these questions I need to ask myself... 

• Can my work translate to large scale installations? 
• Do I want it to? 
• What other applications may my work have?
• Why do I want to do what I want to do with it?
• Does my work need a use (other than to look gorgeous !!!)?

And in relation to my theoretical research on my initial inspiration:

'the finding/uncovering of objects left behind in a derelict, desolate landscape, that which gives a sense of ‘place’ and an emotive response to the viewer' (new!)

• Why are these objects left? Accident or design?
• What do these objects mean? What did they mean to someone once? What do they mean to the other?
• Why do some people (me) search them out? How does it make them (me) feel?
• Why do I want to go to Chernobyl?

So...I have changed the emphasis of the direction of my research (slightly), not sure whether things are becoming clearer; if I am changing things to make more sense or if I am just further muddying the waters? Time will tell, I look forward to seeing if I feel I can keep it next week! But I definitely should stop loitering and take some action.

               

Good day... (Week 6: Already?)

For a quick synopsis scroll down to *

On my way... again

Wednesday evening, I'm on the train and it's on time so let's hope I make my connection this week, it would be nice.

I feel less trepidation this week; I think we may get into some artwork... although I haven't brought ANY art materials or even paper with me! I am also expecting to meet my personal tutor and have to explain my work (again), hopefully I will do a better job of that this time. I have some photographs and a piece of embroidery in my bag so I can at least resort to some visual back up. I do intend to work/continue with the studies I did over summer, developing those and producing new, more textural, study sheets, alongside producing some  samples and learning how to tambour. I borrowed a hook a few weeks ago and have not yet managed to get started. But this weekend is completely free for me to MA.

Journey Reading

On my way back...again.

Just a note; I missed my connection last night by ONE MINUTE. Sigh. It upsets me as it costs me taxi fare and half an hour. Out of 6 journeys, this has happened 4 times, not a great record (also not my fault).

My day starts with a 10am lecture on Contested Territories, so thats where I will start...

We talked about the 'Impact of Empires', well not me personally, I was trying out the strategy of keeping my mouth (mostly) shut to hide my ignorance. I didn't know much about the topics but there is an improvement... I accept that I don't know anything about Orientalism for example, but I DO know quite a lot about Chinoiserie (no, I know it's not the same), so... I don't think I'm that stupid. I just know about other/different things.

I have to say what struck me most was the thought that I can't imagine EVER studying anything in another language. omg. English is a second language for a large percentage of the class and wow they're good.

So then I took an extra lecture, over lunch (I KNOW!!!!!!!) about Dutch Design Week and it was great.. just looking at interesting and beautiful things, and the In Vitro Meat Cookbook.

Then...

Practice 1 Session: How to talk the 'talk'...

(Obviously this is exactly what I need to know) 

I think it goes like this...

1. Choose a metaphor e.g. 'spinning a yarn' or, make one up (not quite sure if this is allowed but I have)
2. Apply said metaphor to whatever it is you are talking/writing about
3. Choose words to describe your 'thing' that work with your metaphor

For example:

So I'm going to 'pan for gold' and sift through the layers of silt until I find glimmers of preciousness and nuggets of value (which will keep me going). I will be examining fragments and findings from the past and continue until I find enough gold to make THE ingot of all ingots.

Key Words:

Elusive, Precious, Determination

*   Today I have learned:

•     How ridiculous and tenuous is the link I made to conceptualise and contextualise my work, the one between Dark Tourism and Urbexing. BUT I do have a solution. (And after all, I have started planning my trip to Chernobyl.)
•   That maybe the reason I have felt intellectually inadequate when I didn't understand what some people were talking about was because those people were actually not making any sense, they were just doing it with big words to make it sound good.
•   And I still haven't met Nigel.

End or beginning

Before I get to the nitty gritty; a few observations...

• There's someone in my Contested Territories class called Ulysses, how beautiful a name is that?
• It's exceptionally mild for this time of year (had to carry my coat around)
• Apparently now I have a personal tutor, he's called Nigel.

1.    Contested Territories...

We discussed ideas for the work we are to produce between us, amongst us, starting with thoughts on communication which led to the vagaries of language, dialect: cultural translation studies including issues regarding reactions to de-globalisation which led to 'words': use of, change of... this in turn led to a discussion on gender, countries at war. Then...guides, maps, routes to remnants of planes crashed in the Peak District...very interesting.

http://peakwreckhunters.blogspot.co.uk/

This led to everyone deciding not to do a symposium but an exhibition or a festival of exhibitions; there seems to be 3 distinct camps and possibilities for groups to form:

a. Mapping 'exhibits', that are already there (in the street) that represent some territory contested (I like this one)

b. Producing work to be 'pasted up' on the boarded up windows of boarded up houses along a full boarded up street, am not sure what the work would be based on (but I like this idea)

c. Gender issues relating to nations at war

+d. (Secret) communication within Illustration by means of coding 

We then spent a good 40 minutes trying to set up a group Facebook page and adding everyone. I need to post on this tonight and hopefully infiltrate group no.1

2.    Anticipating Change; The Final Chapter OR

 Anticipating Change; Anticipating the Presentation (all morning)

I had recently posted some new research on our blog, I had also offered to present some of said research during the group presentation this afternoon, due to me feeling guilty about being a (very) part-time member but also wanting to contribute to and support the group at our final 'showdown'. However, I was rather hoping it wouldn't fit in. But due to the kindness of Nick & Helen wanting to 'include' Jack and I, I was allowed. Mmmm. I played my small part with what seemed to appear to others to be confidence, but was actually slight panic, not least because it was being FILMED.
So, now that is over. I'm not sure yet how much of our research will inform my overall 'Practice 1' outcomes but the pure fact of doing research will surely prove a bonus. I'm hoping that now will come a chance to get some practical work done.
     
 Reading back, my comments are not really very evaluative OR analytical...so here's some of that:
On the collaborative aspect and the overall experience:
Put into groups, randomly, for a 4 week long, collaborative research and presentation project to answer, in essence, ‘What are the influences on future design?’ 
(See blog for more in depth information: www.anticipatingchange.blog.com)
At the outset I felt a little unsure, nervous yet resigned, as I had known this was coming, admittedly though, perhaps not so fast.
When introduced to (or rather when I found) my group – number 7, I wanted to appear ‘as good as…’, ‘confident but not fake, pushy or arrogant’ (because I am not) and not as ‘a leader’ but definitely as someone who would contribute. I certainly didn’t want to push myself forward nor shy away from tasks. I was happy with (most of) the group; one member who shall remain nameless, immediately proceeded to tear strips off me for not committing to more than one day a week. Great start - not. This made me feel embarrassed, completely shocked that it actually happened. I am still shocked. The rest of the group more than made up for this ‘incident’; creative thinkers, interesting, friendly people, very fair and who got on with the job (very well). It was a great exercise to introduce us to each other and I was glad of that opportunity. I have said in an earlier post that overall I felt academically inadequate but this group did not make me feel that way.
The positive aspects of this working group has meant I formed new relationships with my peers, (and didn’t have to find people to work with myself – as this may have been like being the last kid to be picked for the team in PE), met other part timers who took part in my initial experiences and who shared their information, met full timers who I wouldn’t otherwise be working with and it gave us all a common ground and a common goal. It encouraged us to begin researching immediately with a focus and a starting point. Also by spending the first few weeks on this, I am even more excited to start some textile work.
On the negative side; during the tirade I suffered, I felt I didn’t stand up for myself (I was shocked into complete stupid silence) which made me feel small, although I realise this was just unlucky. Mixing full and part time students, although had it’s advantages also meant I felt some guilt not doing as much as others did.
If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t do anything differently, I don’t think I could to be honest. It was how it was, mainly due to external factors & influences. As for my own performance within the presentation I could have prepared my part better and in a more timely fashion by checking my emails the night before which was when my part had been identified. As it was, I quickly did extra research and tried to get it straight in my head - over lunch, which was quite stressful! Oh but then I forgot to look at my crib sheets with the facts and figures on and ended up skimming over the main points I was trying to get across. However, I did manage to do it without betablockers :-)

In conclusion I feel it has set the MA tone: rightly or wrongly, to be academic, conceptually and personally challenging, with no room for a comfort zone and it has helped me to know what to expect for the next 2 years (to be proven either way – watch this space).

Some words…

A moment in time memory jog: I managed to a) find 3 books in 3 different wings of the library AND b) withdraw 3 said books (self service!)

Personal insight or realisation: I am resistant to change (in all avenues of life), but only for about 4 weeks...so soon I will be fine.

On Visual Research:

Primary Research:

Photographing and drawing dereliction, desolation, destruction, discarded, (all the 'd's' in fact) plus...forgotten, unloved, still, lost, left, bereft, rejected, cast aside, inanimate.

Making marks; descriptive, emotionally propelled and loose, abstract. Using and including tiny pieces of the buildings themselves, giving an unseen (emotional/emotive?) depth and unimagined/unexpected honesty and truth.

This (textural) response will contrast with measured, directional, straight, ruled lines and geometric shapes taken from the perspective, the respective, lines and forms of the photographed interiors. The complete, combined visual studies (relate to) a contested*/ constricted work of opposites; pockets of jewels (the detritus of a life) flicker, glint like memories. Under the surface. Precious pockets, pockets of precious, glimmers of hope and future.

Surfaces; textured, peeling, smooth, matt, bubbled, blistered, shiny, layered, laid, pastel, papery, plaster-like, torn

On Theoretical Research:

Primary Research: A little trip to Chernobyl?

‘Dark Tourism’ – specifically the emotional pull and significance of sites associated with death and tragedy.

 *'Contested' definition - 1. A struggle for superiority or victory between rivals.

The Crux of the Matter

The following is a concise (150 words - very difficult) overview of the body of work I would like to produce during my MA study. I have changed it already... from the areas of fashion/haute couture to interiors/installation, chance for a change. 

'My personal aims relating to my own practice during the MA include; to investigate new technology, mechanisation & computerisation to produce innovative embroidery designs/samples together with the exploration of non-traditional materials & 3D techniques within the craft of embroidery. I intend to produce a collection of embroidery & embellishment samples investigating, not least, the notion of scale and 3D elements. I should like to discover how to instill my work with characteristics that evoke emotional responses. I will research current ethical and cultural issues that directly inform and relate to my specific interests initially focusing on ‘Dark Tourism’; a form of macabre pilgrimage in which people journey to sites redolent with death or disaster to emotionally connect. I intend to extend and develop my limited skills regarding conceptual thinking, whilst still producing highly aesthetically pleasing outcomes specifically for high-end interiors/installation market. To do this I will engage with primary research sources leading to a deeper understanding of theoretical issues raised. An integral aim is to communicate my ideas and intentions in a clear, concise, exciting and confident manner whilst critically analysing and evaluating my work on an ongoing and in depth basis, generating a valuable, constructive, personal resource to inform future planning and problem solving.'

My 5 keywords are: Fragmentation, Dark Tourism, Discarded, Forgotten & Remains; lets see how they change...

Third Day Nerves

Week/Day 3:

A moment in time memory jog:' Person on the Stockport viaduct' alert last night = difficult  journey…

A 10am start of my Options Unit, I have chosen 'Contested Territories' over my second choice 'Objects in Context' which is all about collecting, classifying, detail, emotional attachment, things etc…right up my street, I know this, I love this, I do this but I am also interested in the issues raised within Contested Territories and this I do not know, I already have an interest in Dark Tourism and this was mentioned along with other related subjects I had not considered, but some of which I have a tiny insight into through refugee and asylum seeker's stories I heard whilst doing volunteer work. It tugged at me and I thought I would be brave and venture out of my comfort zone and I know the research will be helpful within my practice - somehow.

Since I was about 13 years old I have had an interest in the holocaust, maybe because it is just so unbelievable - unfathomable and heartwrenching and human and for some reason I have always had an urge/pull/need/want to visit Auschwitz. Since Urbexing too, I would love to visit Chernobyl. This unit made me think about why this is; we had to introduce ourselves to the group and whilst waiting my turn I tried to think of what I was going to say. I didn't say, ' I've always wanted to visit Auschwitz'… because someone may have asked, 'Well why haven't you?' I thought I'd better consider that question. I conclude, I have been too afraid of breaking down and crying in public when I feared I might. I don't like to show emotion, I was horrified when I went on a Catholic retreat once and spent the whole weekend in floods of tears or trying desperately to hold them back.

http://www.politics.ie/forum/history/221271-liberation-auschwitz-holocaust-memorial-day-images.html

I think I may have to visit Chernobyl first, I imagine it will make me angry, which is more acceptable to me than pure grief. I intend to research into what makes people have this pull towards visiting places where bad things happened, it seems strange in many ways, I understand it's a (an emotional) connection with the past, an effort not to let the horrors, atrocities be ever forgotten/brushed aside…but is that the same as going on an American bus trip to visit scenes of domestic brutal murders? I don't think so.

All the above may have come out better than my actual words which were an insight for everyone else into how I don't know how to apply conceptual thinking to my work and what a person scrabbling about for words that sound quite good looks like. I NEED TO STOP TRYING TO RELATE MY WORK TO REAL WORLD BIG ISSUES and making it fit conceptually, don't I? But I think that's not allowed. What's wrong with picking the option because it sounded interesting????

Today we touched on borders, real and imagined… it was too short.

Insight of the week:

•   Everyone seems to be incredibly academic. I'm not, just average.

•   If you were to use all the equipment you wanted to, make things with everything, get to be good at it all, you would need to be in those great workshops for 10 years solid. I'm going to need all my powers of selectivity.

•   No-one seems to know where we're supposed to be.

Why am I writing this blog?

The importance of constant, analytical evaluation on one's work, progress and practice is not lost on me. I am aware that I need to write an in depth evaluation in all my modules/units so if I write this account, sometimes brief though it will be, I am sure to find it easier at the end. Fingers crossed. (And I'll try not to write much about TK Maxx.)